Silly Standup Set
It’s not a tight ten, but hey, neither am I.
It’s my anniversary of sorts.
My boyfriend and I are officially 4 months of no contact. We met at a tech startup, so we didn’t “break up” so much as I got “laid off as a girlfriend.” It wasn’t a performance issue, I’d like to be clear. Former fat kids and active nail-biters give great head.
Sometimes, your “company” has to “prioritize itself,” so it fires its only committed employee. My severance included a sweatshirt and HPV.
He was younger, probably still is, and went back to grad school while we dated, and he only thing worse than telling married friends you got “laid off” is ending with “during winter break.”
I’m obviously on antidepressants.
Clap if you are. Okay, up your doses. I’ve been maxed on Wellbutrin for 3 years.. this might be as good as it gets. I don’t like having to depend on meds. My anxious attachment side worries I’ll get a note, “I know you wanted a refill, but was going well between us, chemically?” We’ve been month to month, babe. You knew that. But I hope you find someone to regulate your emotions.
Meanwhile, my avoidant attachment side is all, go off your pills, it’ll be good for your creativity. If you die alone, your cat can still eat for a week.
Starting Wellbutrin was like a new relationship.
You’re excited to start your day by putting it in your mouth until the honeymoon dose wears off. You start thinking about your ex-pill…. This one offers stability, the last one was bigger.
Maybe break it off and slum it with Xanax and just lie there while it works.
But choice is an illusion, and either way we’re all forced to swallow.
Back to Hinge I go.
I haven’t been on dating apps in my 30s. Do I list myself as refurbished, emotionally speaking? My ad draft says: Some emotional wear and tear and is slightly unstable. Used…excessively.
I feel marked down, not at TJ Maxx, but at Nordstrom Rack. With some tasteful Botox, maybe Saks off 5th. But when Gen-Z hits the racks. It’s over me.
My younger sister is Gen-Z.
She recently looked at me and said: “I think it’s so brave that you just parted your hair to the side, slapped on a pair of skinny jeans in 2005, and just never looked back.”
Another day, she was like, “You wouldn’t get it, you’re from the 1900s. That’s an insecurity I didn’t know I should have. Who’ll have me now, an old maid of ye 1900’s!
I’m Dusty, like an unused VHS or discarded MP3. Forget Gen Z DVDs, men live-stream porn in 5G. Who will pay to lock down one unrefurbished VHS?
I worry my dad won’t see me get married.
The odds are low, he’s been dead for 15 years. You look uncomfortable with that. I’m sorry if his death felt sudden. For you. Thank you, in fact, if you could laugh louder for me than the other comedians… so he can hear you.
Maybe it’s better if you know more about him. He’s a Pisces sun, Cancer rising in his lymph nodes.
He also said to treat my body like a temple, but our Orthodox temple, so I only let Jews cum inside me. Unless they cover the heads first. People tell me he’s always watching, and that’s my greatest fear in life.
It was his dying wish that I marry Jewish. Well, his exact words were, “He’s circumcised or you’re cut off.” Then he hung up his iPhone 2 and died. Just kidding, it was a Blackberry.
Alright, that’s my time & trauma. I’m @Jamie-Geller on Venmo, bye!!
